*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You Might Also Like
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court