Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe