Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I wanna be friends with this person
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?