I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
gentlemen, hear me out
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Speak now or ever hold your peace