my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.