police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.