Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
You Might Also Like
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
When I said I liked it rough.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.