Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My inexpensive home security system…
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me