Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
You Might Also Like
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
why no one uses midhusbands
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?