@DamonHunzeker: Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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@RuinMyWeek: Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don't just want me to cut it off?
@EtobicokeErnie: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.