Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
There is no “we” in pizza
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…