Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
#CoronaOutbreak
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.