@robfee: Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don't give you all my money you'd have no problem watching me die.
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@LindaInDisguise: Siri, make me pancakes. You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you're drunk.
@AkashThakan: Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
@hardlyrelevant: (pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one “What was your favorite part?” I’d have to say the Peace
@Steelers1972: Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ? Me ~ Uhhh .... Roughly about the same as you Cop ~ Get out