10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Would you wear it?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.