The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,