Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore