NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You Might Also Like
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.