@DanielRCarrillo: Raid™: For when you don't want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

@AlanFelyk: You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@ericsshadow: I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

@minealone6: Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.