“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13