Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion