Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂