DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family