GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all