The most important meal of the day is the next one
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.