@ReeseButCallMeV: Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work? Me: Because you have no imagination!

@Piecezilla: Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@junejuly12: As there aren't any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from ~ something to ponder every St Patrick's Day

@davedittell: ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!