Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind