What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“We will wed,” I threatened
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one