Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.