date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.