DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.