date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
You Might Also Like
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
God, I love Scotland
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle