[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
some things should go without saying
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again