Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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I鈥檝e decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can鈥檛 wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I鈥檓 dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You鈥檙e a monster.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Oh, you鈥檙e a witch? Name three children you鈥檝e eaten.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Thinking about Jeff
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
North and South
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn鈥檛 stop talking I wouldn鈥檛 remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I鈥檓 here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 馃嚭馃嚫
Going to church you guys need anything
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees