@UNTRESOR: Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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@ArfMeasures: ME: The kids have ruined their shoes WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out [Later] ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
@EndhooS: [storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN...
@Shelts99: Neighbour:How's the wife? Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant? Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next