DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
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Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Breaking news:
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.