[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
You Might Also Like
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
#polloftheday
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no