Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.