I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
You Might Also Like
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
accurate
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Probably my best painting.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.