date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Well, this is awkward
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”