Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.