date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.