I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature