Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You Might Also Like
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.