Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??