Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
his wife is probably gonna see that
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.