DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman