DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
got so much cardio in today