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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
How about daylight saves us for once
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Very good news from my accountant
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”