*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Always.
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”