DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*