DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?