DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Sounds like a bargain
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.