date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
🙁
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible