date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you