DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
You Might Also Like
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’m an avid indoorsman.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant