DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.