Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”